depressed.. ??
Saturday, February 14, 2009
hmm. yest n e whole of today kheng was undergoing the mood of depression! haha. n i seriously mean an all-time low in my mood n feelings.. seriously SUPER bad.. nt angry. bt really jus upsetness. bt i guessed i controlled it well n didn't let it affect LAP n gift.. yep.. n i guess i cried countless times. as in twice last night n jus nw wen i was talking to tong, i teared.. i tried nt to cry coz i didn't wan to make tong upset. maybe it was gd we didn't get to speak face-to-face today coz i was sure i wld haf cried or teared or for the v least.. show her tt i'm tryin to contain my tears. tt's jus hw sad i'm over e issue. it's far more tough for me n alot more serious than wat i went thru w fy they all. n maybe it's more serious than anythin tt i prob haf went thru. bt it still doesn't haf the feeling of like e "grandest" thing tt is happening to me in my life. yet. yep. bt anw. back to the thing bout seriousness. yep. i said tt coz i've nv been able to tear each time i think/talk bout an issue. i mean after 24h if i'm still like this. this isn't sth like normal.. n like after playin n cheering n shouting w children in LAP n gift.. n i still can't get pass the "depressed" mode.. it's def nt like the past..yep.. bt i guess after letting it all out w tong n no longer so "lost" n "abandoned".. i wld be able to get over it soon! yep...........................................it really feels like the world is coming down crashin on me. yes i'm 100% exaggerating. lol. i think i'm so lame! haha. yep. it feels like i'm so on my own. i noe i still haf ppl around me. bt tt's nt gng to help me in econs class nor gift wen i'm like left alone.. by miss lim(she gave up our class to another new n almost 100%-ensured-to-be-good teacher coz of timetabling reasons) n my gift juniors. yep. so i hope u guys wun think tt i'm tryin to pity myself or make myself sound v pathetic again. coz it's really the case. ppl's support wun be able to help me tide pass this "gift" "crisis". nt unless gift ppl or I m able to challenge the status quo. yep.. e econs trc nt such a big issue alr. coz there's seriously nothing me or even my class can do except hope for the best of this new teacher. yep.i guess today was really the feeling of heart-break ba. tt kind of really jus heart aching feeling tho my juniors aren't my boyfriends! yep. i dunno eh. i feel tt tong dun get wat i feel. i get the feelin she thinks i'm angry n jus doing or saying things out of anger w my juniors. bt i really dun think tt's e case. coz i aren't sacar-ing juniors on blog. coz i aren't making myself seem like a victim. coz i aren't saying things tt r definite n relating ending my r/s w my juniors to ppl. or even inside my heart (tho i'm completely prepared for anything of tt sort).. coz i aren't feelin the pity to the beautiful r/s i've w my juniors. this is completely diff frm e case w fangyi they all in the past. yep.bt i've no idea. maybe yitong is seeing things frm a better view ba. coz i'm in the situation.yep. n nw wen i become the person w troubles. i understand wat's e use of ppl listening n counselling their friends. i understand hw fann feels wen she calls me. coz i feel tt yitong is like me talking to fann. yep. i dunno if tt's e case for u fann, bt wat i really got out of the whole 1hour plus of talkin is jus the venting of feeling n nt bottling them out.. n seriously noe-ing tt there's a friend out there who cares n bothers to call me n talk to me. n of coz some suggestions here n there. yep. coz of qm. i get the feeling tt i'm always able to offer good solutions to friends in troubles. n even tho sometimes i noe actually i aren't doing tt. i will still do it coz i think tt's e best n only way to show ur friends tt u care, tt u're listening, tt u wish to help. n u're nt jus fu yan-ing them. or like answering them superficially. wat i hope my friends can feel is jus my sincerity. yep. i felt tong's. n i hope fann n all whom i've spoke to b4 or encouraged b4 can really feel mine. yep.bt well. i'm seriously grateful to tong for being out there for me. haha. i thank her for listening out to me. thank her for understanding me. thank her for nt letting things get too strong or hurting for me. thank her for showing me she care. thank her for insisting on things tt in a way only benefit me. yep. n tho she can't see this, THANKS TONG! yep.n next is really tb-mate! he nt only replied to my status on fb to encourage me. he even sent me a song w lyrics n tt song is supposedly to haf therapetic effects. nt scientifically proven n i guess it works for him?(: yep. as in tho e song isn't really having the effect on me. bt his intention n email did the job. really. it's jus this extra effort tt will make ppl feel touched. n it's all these extra efforts tt i hope my friends do feel touched by. e previous sentence sounds gramatically incorrect:P haha.yep. n tt's why i updated my fb status to:i'm thankful to haf YITONG n ZIXIANG as friends in such times.yep. n i noe maybe i unfit to be using "such times" wen another friend of mine out there is undergoing e misery n agony of losing someone close. bt yep. i still used it:P haha. yep. i noe i aren't the most pathetic person on Earth. bt all i can say is tt i WAS feelin really sad.. nt doin it 2 attract attention. really upset.bt i guess i can say "was" le ba. nw i'm feelin rather okay. n i hope i will get the chance to maintain n improve my mood. yep. i guess it's jus e gracefulness of my friends' acts tt r occupying my mind nw tt i'm takin the unhappy things of my mind ba(:i hope xh dun ask me out for tmr's study session. n i will ignore things. i will pretend i noe nothin. n i will let go of things. n i will do HOMEWORK tmr! i mean w or w.o them askin me out n whether i go or not. i will STILL do my homework. coz according to tong, miss oon has been sick all these time n she was a bit pissed(as perceived by tong? hee) wen she knew we didn't do out CNY hw. yep. n nw w miss oon's lesson being the one i look forward to most tho mr han's lessons are nt 2 bad also.. i mus be e best-est student i can be!(: yep.kheng will get past all these. maybe she wld come back sayin tt all these were a misunderstanding n she's depressed for nothing.maybe she wld look bad n say tho these times were bad, she got past them eventually.bt sth for sure is kheng is nt gng to let things bob her down, as wat she said out of her own will(nt any form of assurance) to tong. she said it confidently. tt so far her depression periods haf nv been more than 2-3 days. n she's a feelin this wun too. yep. so let's hope she is really able to do it.n kheng will jus do her best-est for sch stuff since tt's nt as depressing as gift.n kheng isn't gng to let gift be a burden. if she really feels terrible, she's jus gng to let hh run the debrief or jus tell the juniors no debrief n maybe let kish down:P hehee.yep tt's all!kheng's feeling quite light nw. thanks to tong n tb-mate!:Dkheng(:15/02/090006h
I became prettier at 11:35 PM
