because..
Friday, September 19, 2008
hmm. jus faced another challenge in life! haha. it's again on interpersonal relationships! jus realised tt can actually feel sian being out w stalker n wx.. nt exactly sian, bt there's nothin to say. n i dun really feel like talking, nt coz i feel stressed/wanna mug/exams pressure.. nor feeling moody nor not familiar w them(not = very shou2, jus not v distant type).. bt dunno why leh, can't get into their conversation.. n really need daughter to be there. haha. she keeps me entertained all e while! hahaha. yep. this morn wen i saw her sms tt she wasn't gng. was alr worried tt i wld feel inadequate.. in e end. i didn't feel inadequate.. jus couldn't click.. think i pulled down their mood also. like i was v quiet.. n they couldn't talk bout their usual stuff coz i dun understand wat they're staying coz i nt same sch as them.. yep yep.. jus hoped they didn't mind. perhaps next time it's still better to go out w a large grp bah. w xinhui,samantha n vivien. haha. ya.. dunno why. come JC le. or rather starting frm this year. realised i start to wan to go out in big grps.. sometimes i prefer stoning alone.. sometimes i like to be ignored.. yep.. izzit coz of JC? or is it jus a coincidence. in e past v close to all my friends. so i wld always wan private time, preferrably 1-to-1 so tt i can talk to them bout v v private stuff.. bt den. now i prefer bigger grps so tt e situation isn't so gan1 ga4.. hmm. e most obvious reason is definitely coz i nt so close to these ppl... so if we're alone, really will be v awkward.. hmm. didn't noe in gift also like tt.. bt nvm.. talking to stalker, daughter n nadiah isn't tt hard. i mean privately.. yep.. e others maybe still a bit of challenge. maybe andala is fine too. yep.. nvm.. i wun give up. i will keep trying. try until i will be able to converse normally w.o feeling weird/awkward/inadequate.. hmm..yep yep.. haiz. perhaps my f/s w them more of "superficial" bah.. whereas wm's more quality? haha. or maybe w wx n andala only. hmm. bt it's okay.. i can't possibly be closest to everyone, wld be v tiring on me also. haha. n i bet i dun haf tt charm:P haha. yep.. i only need a few. n it's really pleasing enough le(:anw.. yep. on wed after gng to e childcare centre to pass norman's mum e poster w zeni's company.. we went to eat subway! goodness! $6for footlong sandwich + 2 cookies + drink! n we shared. so it's freak cheap at only $3!!!! hahahaha. super cool lo! haha. yep.. n btw.. zeni is someone whom i can converse privately w.. twin maybe also can. bt nt all e times. den maybe yx bah.. yep.. back to topic. yep. on my way home coz 187 ride v long.. n e previous night i slept freak long.. i was thinking bout my f/s w them. maybe u guys see this n u wld noe whom i m referring to. yep. it's them.yep. i kept thinking n tho it might nt be fair to compare.. i still compared them to my JC friends.. dunno why tho my JC friends dun haf such close-to-heart interaction w them, i still feel v happy being w them n i seriously enjoy their company n they seldom, really rarely or haf nv made me feel unhappy tt i will emo/sulk.. yep.. n i kept thinkin bout it. n i found e reason: expectations.coz of initial JC days tt made me realise tt i can't pin too much hopes on JC friends.. until zeni appeared n i started to like her of coz.. yep.. i realised they're diff frm RV friends.. i can't expect them to wait for me, to listen to my xin1 shi4.. can't expect them to bother bout my emo-ness. so i didn't expect tt frm them. n now tho honestly. twin n i hardly talk bout "meaningful" stuff. we i still enjoy his company n wun think it's a superficial f/s... n w zeni.. of coz she listens to me la. haha. bt most of e time we complain bout JC life/friends:P haha. yep. n i got tell her bout my family jokes/gift stuff.. n coz she has no idea bout wat's all those. she listens.. n yep. tt's enough to make me v v happy being w her(except wen she's in a bad mood n becomes a bit fierce:P) yep.. so yes.. this's e diff.. so wat's my conclusion? i will nt expect tt much le..of coz nt expecting so much implies tt i wun feel so much for e f/s.. bt i guess it's okay bah. i take a glance. i dun think anyone is still putting in tt kind of sec sch effort. n anw. i was nv satisfied w tt std.. so yep. jus lower my expectations lo.. will make everyone's life easier.. n i really really hope to be happier. yep..i've said for many many times i will give up.. n observe.. give up. in e end.. i always didn't. bt this time round. really is give up le. if we do become close again. it'll be coz i made another NEW good friend. a new good friend whom i will expect things frm e way i expect frm my JC friends.. no more high hopes.. or maybe unreasonable expectations in others' eyes. in e past.. i dun say tt coz i still hope for a chance to "patch up".. bt now it's coz i dun wan to make interactions awkward.. so i dun say.. e thing tt pushed me to say wld be to give them a proper jiao1 dai4.. bt i really dun wan e meetings to be awkard.. so i shalln't say. maybe wen we r completely "out of each other's sight" bah.. yep. den it might be a good time to say..yep.. wanted to say this on wed.. bt den blogger hanged.. n i went to give a long reply to kish's email.. yep.. so i said wat i wanted to say. yep. i wun give u guys black face le. i wun feel unhappy le. n i hope i wun cry or tear anymore.. esp upon hearing those songs tt apply to e context(tho i did on fri wen i heard e 933 guan4 tou2 ju4 chang3, bt i hoped tt was a proper ending n e last time i actually tear for u guys).. yep..n of coz i can "give up" formally coz u, esp u, haf already lost ur attraction for me to be ur v good friend.. coz now. i think i haf to satisfy for norm friends.. n dd for friends like u've alr dropped le. n e price for dd such a friend like u is really really v tiring.. like wat zoe tay said on tv tt day,"to put in effort for a r/s is v easy, bt wen u've to pull urself out, it's really v tiring n tough". yep. to protect myself.. i shalln't change my perception of things, my expectations.. n i dun wan to make my friends carry my burden anymore. i will do it myself! there's no need to torture other ppl. n i dun wish to make ppl carrying my burden a necessary quality of my good friend. like e singapore's "motto" or sth, "nobody owes me a living" n i cannot take ppl's "presence" as a natural, expected thing. coz in e end, i'm e one who suffers most..wen ppl can not sense it, ignore it, remain helpless, i really feel v desperate n really unhappy. i think i've said this before, i no longer wan to look at my hp waiting for ppl to talk to me, look at tt person waiting for him/her to talk to me, to notice tt i'm unhappy, to catch up w me to find out wat happened to me.. i wan to be simple to befriend, simple to interact w, n be entertained simply. tt's e reason why i smile.tt's e reason why i gave up. tt's e reason why i gave in n lowered my expecations. because i wan to be happy.kheng.19-09-08
I became prettier at 9:46 PM
